Not the end.

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image This is not the end. Ok. Hear me out. I’m not crazy. It’s the end of #teamtazzy and being known as the girl with the yellow horse. It’s the end of eyelid kisses and ridiculously tight knees. But it is NOT the end of my love for horses and riding. After my initial first ride back since tazzy’s death, I spent over 2 months without visiting the barn. I kept busy, and didn’t think about it much. Taz was my reason for riding. Without him, I wasn’t interested.

After some convincing from my trainer, I had a lesson last week. To say it was disastrous would be an understatement. Despite flatting reasonably well, the lesson horse was having a bad day, resulting in some acrobatics on my behalf. Twice. My pride took the biggest hit. I was asked to get on a friend’s horse and I completely chickened out. I beat myself up all week. I’ve never been afraid to ride before, not to the point of refusing to get on. I was on my own pity train. That is, until I realized that despite the unplanned dismount, I still really enjoyed my lesson. I felt more “me” than I had in months.

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I ended up returning to the barn, that same week. My scheduled lesson was with the horse I chickened out from riding. It was the most laidback, “fun” lesson I’ve had. No expectations, no pressure. I trotted, cantered and did some crossrails. I enjoyed myself. I didn’t cry. And Fiona was the perfect babysitter.

My best friend is not here anymore. But that doesn’t mean that I have to let my passion fade away. I adored Tazzy. But I still love riding. I will continue to find ways to commemorate him. For starters, I’m going to continue to ride. Because although I won’t ever get to stand at the ingate WITH my blonde best friend again, I will certainly stand there FOR him.

We’ve gone in the show ring hundreds of times together. And every time, right as we walked in, I’d scratch his withers and whisper, “Just you and me, Bud.”

Funny, how that still applies.

One thought on “Not the end.

    glorialsmith said:
    October 25, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    I love this. I love seeing you happy. This sport is funny like that – humbling and empowering.

    Like

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